Do People Really Have to Like You?
How to unlearn your need to be a people pleaser and be true to your authentic self.
Introduction.
Do not let this image fool you. To not give a shit is not the same as being nonchalant about other people's feelings, or lackadaisical about organizational goals. Instead, it is to care so much about the things that matter most and ruthlessly deprioritize the things that do not matter even at the risk of being disliked by some people on your journey to achieve set goals.
Part One.
A long time ago, before the invention of smartphones, cars, and mechanized farming, humans lived in small groups. For these groups of humans, belonging to a group was necessary for survival.
We had to build shelter, find food, and defend ourselves every single day. This was a lot easier to do in groups. To join a group, you had to either have a skill that would benefit the group, be liked by some or all members of the group, or both.
Conversely, if most people in the group did not like you, you were kicked out of the group, and unless you found a new group to become a part of, it was almost as bad as being sentenced to die.
Part Two.
Today, things are much different. Of course, being a member of certain groups provide us with a strategic advantage, however, we are not in nearly as much danger if we get kicked out of the friends' group chat. We are at most missing out on some pointless chatter that really does not go anywhere.
Unfortunately, our brains have not caught up to that fact. This is why by default we tend to seek to please. We are hardwired to seek acceptance and avoid rejection.
The problem with this is that it keeps us focusing on external factors to determine our decisions. Even worse is the fact that the number of people we are exposed to has increased dramatically. It is terribly exhausting to continue to be a people pleaser in today's world when we encounter far more people than our ancestors.
Part Three.
We weaponize this innate desire in other people to be liked and accepted when we threaten to shun and avoid them for doing things we don't like. Other people do this to us as well when we do things they disapprove of.
This threat serves a purpose, to get people to act right by us. However, it can also be abused knowingly or unknowingly. This abuse of this weakness is the hill I have come to die on.
Yes, we still have to get along with our siblings, friends, spouses, partners, bosses, co-workers, Michael in accounting, and the strangers we come across at the mall and on the streets. However, here’s the thing: resisting your people-pleasing reflex isn’t about being arrogant, rude, or writing off responsibilities — it’s about identifying your authentic self and living true to it. It is about owning your actions and your decisions. It is about having an internal locus.
Part Four.
Not everyone is going to like you and that’s fine. In fact, the very qualities that make some people like you might make others dislike you. Other people might like you today and not like you tomorrow and vice versa.
People are wrong about plenty of things including how they decide whether or not they like someone. Do you want to subject yourself to the whims and caprices of people and their indecisiveness? Or people who can't decide what to have for breakfast? People may dislike you because they meet you when they are having a bad day or they are just hungry.
Conclusion
In summary, I’ll leave you with the following points;
- It is normal to not be liked by everyone — Not everyone has good taste. It could also be because you are just a shitty person but that is a story for another day.
- Do not tie up your sense of self-worth to how much people like you.
- Assess your actions and decisions and clarify who you are doing things for.
- Do not be afraid to speak up and go against the norm for fear of not being liked. You will do just fine and so will almost everyone else.
- Start by making small decisions for your own self, taking responsibility for those decisions, and watch your authentic self grow.
I hope that you have enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I do hope you are having a wonderful day wherever you are and you had plenty of reasons to smile today.
Cheers.
